I wish the Queen was my Queen

Faithful readers are not surprised that I’m taking this opportunity – the next to last Corner ever – to profess my love of a woman who means so much to me.
She is the wind beneath my wings. The gas in my engine. The cheese to my smile. The peanut butter to my jelly.
It also won’t surprise faithful readers that I’m not writing about The First Wife/My Current Wife, who was covered in a previous column in the Larry Farwell Tour.
This piece is about the great woman in the world. The Queen. Not Freddie Mercury’s group. THE Queen. Elizabeth II.
I was seven months old when she became queen of the United Kingdom in 1952.
She is, without a doubt, the most regal woman in history. I absorb everything I can find about her on the telly (most of it on PBS). When she is in residence at one of her castles, there a special flag that’s flown to let the commoners know the Queen is in the house. How cool is that?
Her father was King George. Her mother was Queen Elizabeth I. Elizabeth II is Britain’s long-reigning monarch. Ever. She’s 91 years old. I dread the day she dies. I wonder if there are queens in heaven.
Elizabeth had one sibling, Margaret. Margaret was born in 1930 and was destined for nothing. I would think being second in line to the throne is like being Michael Jordan’s short brother.
And just think how Queen Elizabeth’s oldest son Prince Charles feels. He’s been waiting since 1948 to become King. He may not make the move to the big chair.
By the way, if King George and Queen Elizabeth had had a son after Elizabeth and Margaret, he would have moved to the front of the line. A man always Trumps a woman in the British monarchy, even one as incredible as Elizabeth II.
She and Prince Philip were married in 1947. They are second cousins once removed. He was a prince without a kingdom and many thought him unworthy of the queen-to-be.
Here’s where I enter the picture. Prince Philip is 95 years old. Officially, he is the consort to the Queen. I guess I’m the consort to The First Wife. Anyway, Philip is backing down from his consort duties for which he is paid almost $700,000 a year. During his marriage to Wonder Woman, Philip has attended more than 22,000 events in an official capacity. Enough is enough, he said this year.
Into the royal black hole, I am willing to step. You probably haven’t heard, but I’m retiring here soon and need a little part-time gig to supplement my Social Security check as long as Mr. Trump sends it to me.
I think I would make an excellent consort to the Queen. Part-time. The only problem I see on my royal horizon is that I grounded myself years ago. The Lord and I made a deal the last time I was in a metal tube 35,000 feet in the sky. He gets me down safely one more time and I’m done with air travel. We both kept our sides of the bargain.
So, I’m proposing to the love of my life that she appoint me the consort to the Queen for all her appearances in South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee and Virginia. That’s about as far as I want to drive.
The ball is in your royal court, Your Highness. Just tell me where to be and when to be there. I’ll even wear a shirt with a collar.

(Larry Franklin is retiring as publisher of The Chronicle on June 16. He anticipates beginning his royal duties soon thereafter.)

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