CORNER: How often have you needed - Pizza Insurance?
How many times has this happened to you? You grab a pizza to go and, on the way to your car, you drop it. It falls out of the box, meaning the 3-second rule will not apply unless you enjoy eating asphalt. You go back inside the pizza establishment, angry, order and pay for another pizza.
To be honest (which I try to be sometimes), this has never happened to me in my 66.5 years. Never. Not a single time and I’ve juggled as many of seven or eight pizza boxes at one time back during the early days of Wyatt McWatters’ birthday extravaganzas that involved hundreds being fed.
But apparently the scene described above has happened on a regular basis. Enough to cause one of the national pizza chains to offer pizza insurance. If you drop your pizza on the way to your car or from your car to your home, they’ll replace it. No extra cost.
I will assume it’s really happened at least once. That the whole scheme is not just the idea from the brain of a Big Apple marketer.
The chain, which shall remain nameless because they don’t advertise in this newspaper, has tried to work out all the ways someone would use the pizza insurance to get themselves a free pizza.
First, you – if you are the purchaser of a pizza that falls on the sidewalk or gets left on the roof of your car – must return the full, complete uneaten pizza to the pizza store from which you purchased it.
The damaged pizza must be in the original box and you must have a receipt or order label. You have to return it within two hours and the replacement pizza will be the same pizza you return.
In other words, you can’t get home with a hamburger pizza and then try to return it because your sweet wife informs you she’s allergic to hamburger and, by the way, you’re a fool.
They won’t give you a replacement pepperoni pizza just to keep peace in your happy marriage.
I’m sure all the big wigs in the pizza headquarters and all the people who wear ties in the advertising agency are satisfied they have covered all the potential ways this generous insurance offer could be abused.
I’m equally sure someone has already discovered a loophole. People who wear ties (or dresses and high heels) cannot possibly outsmart a guy with a beer gut wanting a free pizza on Sunday afternoon.
(Please don’t write me any mean letters about the dresses and high heels remark. I really don’t understand all the things that can offend people any longer. If the comment offends you, buck it up, buttercup. You may not realize it, but I’m retired and I’m not nearly as concerned about whom I might make angry by what I write. And it wouldn’t be fair to take out your frustrations on the nice people who are laboring every day to bring you an outstanding weekly newspaper.)
I’m leaving you now. I’m going to work on a way to get a free pizza. I wonder if I can tell them my dog ate half of it? I could probably even borrow a dog if I had to.
(Larry Franklin is retired and lives in Clinton with his wife, who is not allergic to hamburger pizza.)